LETTER FROM WISCONSIN
Flush the toilet, Puhlease!!!!!!
Have you ever been involved in an embarrassing situation, where you inadvertently farted whilst sneezing in the midst of your peers? Or have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were alone walking along the hospital corridor, and gave off a big malodorous fart, only for some nice nurses to appear behind you and start giggling all behind your back? Have you?
But even in the above cases, you don’t need to be upset because you know you are guilty of the offence. But what if you are innocent? What will you do?
As a young lad, I have often wondered about the high sanitary conditions that pertain in western countries. It is not uncommon to find very clean toilet facilities in highly populated and heavily used areas like Disneyland, airports, and even rest stops by the highway. At such places, the toilets are cleaned even whilst they are clean. It is almost as if the janitors are on routine hourly schedule and are tasked to clean the toilets even if they need no cleaning. Heck these public toilets have stashes of toilet rolls for your convenience. But of late, there is an increasing and disturbing trend, where westerners have stopped observing good toilet practices and behave like inhabitants of third world countries, if you know what I mean. I am about to narrate why I was asked to go for anger management course in Las Vegas a few months ago. But before that, permit me to narrate an incident that I was personally involved in whilst working menial jobs in the UK.
Once whilst working temporary agency jobs in the UK, I was required to travel by train from London to Brighton by train. On one such travel, I had occasion to use the toilet facility. My attempt to use the toilet was met with extreme frustration, as it appears that one man had ‘hijacked’ the toilet on my section of the train. I could hear from the outside, multiple toilet flushes with no one coming out of the toilet. After about 15 minutes or so of repeated flushes, an exasperated man, tall I must say, with an American accent emerged, and with his fore finger directly pointed at me gave, me a stern warning!!. He said “don’t even think about it, I did not do it, I have been trying to flush somebody’s shit for the past 15 minutes and it is not even funny what I have been through.” As I walked past the man to the toilet, a sight that really is beyond the scope of this letter met me. But suffice to say that, somebody had deposited a U shaped piece of human excreta, with both ends of the ‘U’ sticking out of the water. How a human being was able to deposit such large amount of human excreta in such shape has been a life long puzzle to me!!
And so in February, when I was confronted with a similar situation, when I tried to flush somebody else’s shit, rather unsuccessfully, and saw a beautiful nurse at the toilet entrance, I gave her a stern warning which resulted in administration sponsoring me to undergo anger management training in Las Vegas of all places.
Now to forestall such outburst from me, I humbly appeal to the conscience of all toilet users in the United States to observe the following;
– Please note that constipation is curable. Eat fruits, fibre and prune juice if you are prone to constipation. There are over the counter medications that can also help with your constipation problems. But if in spite of all these aids, you still remain constipated, then please carry an empty bucket with you. That way, if your waste product overcomes the flushing capacity of the public toilet, you can always augment with additional simultaneous upward flush from the bucket with filled water.
– If you are a man over 40 years, and have enlarged prostate and dribble whilst urinating, I beseech you to sit on the toilet like our lady friends do. And oh please don’t get up till all your dribbles are done, so I don’t have to clean up after you.
– If you are a young man with foolish youthful exuberance, and used a condom at a public toilet for whatever purposes, please learn how to flush a used condom. It is not kosher to expect some one else to flush your barrier contraceptive particularly when that person did not partake in your moment of bliss!!!
– When you are done using a public toilet, please always look behind you and ensure that all your waste product has been evacuated before you leave the room. And that includes staining of the porcelain too!!!
– Please note that disposal of toilet paper used to clean after you is your utmost responsibility and must be properly disposed off before leaving.
– Finally, I appeal to the conscience of toilet manufacturers to provide toilet lids on all public toilets, so in the event that I have to flush somebody’s shit, I can at least protect myself from possible infection, by keeping the lid closed before I flush!!
Otukunana Yaw Berko, great grandson of Opanin Yaw Berko, rich farmer from Kwahu Pepease.